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So True

Josh Bearman speaks to my deep psychological problems:

The only way to understand them, I’ve decided, is to love them. So for the sake of coming to terms with this convention and what it means for humankind, I think I have to go on a Republican date. But I haven’t really seen any opportunities. The Republicans for Choice are not in my age bracket. The Log Cabin Republicans don’t do it for me. And then it was slim pickings from the red cups at the Sleeping With the Enemy party.

Still, I’m convinced I must press forward. Mostly because of this weird dream I had the other night where I seduced this earnest young southern belle-type Republican delegate who was being harassed by nasty protesters. They were hosing her down, not in the she’s-my-cherry-pie-by-Warrant way but more in the eyes-on-the-prize-Bull-Connor-way, and it was amusing at first but at a certain point became unfair. I intervened. She looked up at me in gratitude. The strangest part was how my voice fell to sotto voce and I drew her in closer while also saying "you know that the President has the worst job approval ratings in history — you know that don't you? Don’t you?" She began to accept this, to believe me as she came closer, to part her lips as she changed her mind about Bush, and that's the last thing I remember before the phone rang.

I'd be lying if I told you I had the exact same dream, but I'd also be lying if I told you my dreams have been entirely dissimilar of note. On a related point, I was in one of the fortress-like midtown hotels earlier today and I heard two of those Young Republican frat boy types discussing the pressing issues of the day. "So aren't there supposed to be tons of hot chicks in New York." "Yeah, there are, but I haven't seen any. Fucking bitches." In my other dream where those guys couldn't kick my ass in 30 seconds I punched one, gave a swift kick in the balls to the other, and said "you haven't met them because you haven't left your lame-ass conservative midtown hotel bubble you stupid (kick) motherfucking (kick) assholes (kick)! Get out and live a little!" Back downtown where Young Republicans are rare and hot chicks are many, one just feels horribly, horribly inadequate.

August 31, 2004 | Permalink

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Comments

Matt, I'll get on the train and meet you there. This way, I can hold 'em down and you can kick the shit out of them. I mean, it's okay if you're a Republican, right?

Posted by: The Fixer | Aug 31, 2004 3:01:02 PM

The Left has clearly lost its mind.

Oh, and if the above post was satire, then so was this comment.

Posted by: Joey | Aug 31, 2004 3:08:06 PM

I know this must have been difficult for you.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

Posted by: praktike | Aug 31, 2004 3:49:53 PM

Joey,

Satire. Don't worry, I'm not quitting my day job.

Posted by: The Fixer | Aug 31, 2004 4:03:28 PM

So, check this. I'm a thrill, a three dolla bill, a green duck walking down a hill - wearing a cap with an orange bill, got some chick pregnant because i said "f*** the pill."
Respek

Posted by: broken wings | Aug 31, 2004 4:11:50 PM

Since I lost my first two comments in transit, and they were probably more hateful than empathetic anyway, let me just echo what praktike said. They are trashing your home.

Oh. Except for the part where I said being in the action seems to inspire you stylistically.

Posted by: bob mcmanus | Aug 31, 2004 4:16:05 PM

geez. My post was lost in transit also. Let me share the first part of it. It had to do with my strange dream.

A young, babyfaced, re-born, conservative fellow was on his first trip to the evil big city. While fleeing in horror from the crazed liberals marching in the protests, he ended up on a residential street. He stopped to tie his shoe in front of my brownstone. He looked up, and in soft light of the waning afternoon he saw me swaying behind my softly billowing sheer curtain. His eyes widened when, with a sly grin, I slowly....

Posted by: xxx | Aug 31, 2004 4:46:19 PM

Tell those shitbags to go hang out at 9th & 14th at night, right under the Pyramid building. Lots of hot chicks there. Honest.

Posted by: djangone | Aug 31, 2004 5:25:28 PM

Donch'a just love Downtown?

See what Garrison Keillor thinks of those Republican hos and bitches. Posted here: http://northcoastcafe.typepad.com

Very funny

Posted by: Billy Hopkins | Aug 31, 2004 6:01:42 PM

Tell those shitbags to go hang out at 9th & 14th at night, right under the Pyramid building. Lots of hot chicks there. Honest.


If you're thinking of the Manhole, it's closed.

Posted by: Al | Aug 31, 2004 6:06:15 PM

Oh, and I don't think the post is satire at all...

Posted by: Al | Aug 31, 2004 6:08:33 PM

You must either must start intoxicating yourself thoroughly, by whatever means available, or you must take a break from politics.

Posted by: Will Allen | Aug 31, 2004 6:42:08 PM

I think I've taken my own advice to Matthew.....

Posted by: Will Allen | Aug 31, 2004 6:49:58 PM

Well, they're Young Republicans in New York. What did you expect them to act like?

Posted by: dick dick dick dick chchchcheney | Aug 31, 2004 6:56:20 PM

Dude, as long as you're not fantasizing about the Bush girls, you're okay.

Let alone Laura.

Sheesh.

Posted by: Andy | Aug 31, 2004 6:59:44 PM

Matt! Do not let yourself be confined to the "nice guy every girl wants as a friend" category.

Be bold!

Get outta the bubble.

Yer very cute, you know. The grrrrrrls will love you!

Posted by: Tilli (Mojave Desert) | Aug 31, 2004 8:00:09 PM

Are they talking about the same city?! Crap. I work at 57th and 7th...Midtown by anybody's standard, and I can barely make it the two blocks to the A line without getting horribly distracted by all the beautiful women. I tell all my friends back in the Midwest that they have to move out here: it's possible to fall in love a dozen times a day, even in the unfashionable neighborhoods.

Preach it, brother Matt!

Posted by: Stu | Sep 1, 2004 1:21:00 AM

As an orthodox atheist (my term) and counterpunch.org lefty (almost always) I find that, if politics were to determine my datings habits...

nothing would be better than one of Bush's daughters.

The man plays the connections game. He brags, as shown in F9/11, that he has the ear of the President any time he wants.

Imagine if I did?

And it's incredibly crude to give away the locations of attractive women. Or to leer.

Duh.

Posted by: Josh Narins | Sep 1, 2004 4:41:07 AM

When I was in college I remember noticing that at every coed college in the world, the guys there insisted that the women were (a) the ugliest and (b) the most reluctant to have sex of any women at any college ever, and that you had to go somewhere else to find the good ones. These particular morons seem to have broken with long-standing moron tradition by actually trashing the women of somewhere else rather than the ones at home. I applaud their moron initiative.

Posted by: Matt McIrvin | Sep 1, 2004 8:29:01 AM

Well, as Sunnyland Slim said, "When you find a real ugly woman in Harlem....she's either rich, or from some other town".

Posted by: serial catowner | Sep 1, 2004 9:35:22 AM

If you're outnumbered, hit them with a brick. Don't be such a pansy:p

To Matt Mcirvin>> College girls are hard to sleep with? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Posted by: soul | Sep 1, 2004 9:37:11 AM

Matthew,
If you are going to use your blog to troll for dates (which could well work), you are going to have to be a little more upfront about which side of the aisle you prefer. If you know what I mean.

Cranky

Posted by: Cranky Observer | Sep 1, 2004 9:52:48 AM

> Midtown by anybody's standard, and I can
> barely make it the two blocks to the A line
> without getting horribly distracted by all
> the beautiful women.

Ah, but if your only ideal of beauty is the blonde Dallas WASP, then you might not see all or even most of the beauty around you in NYC.

Cranky

Posted by: Cranky Observer | Sep 1, 2004 10:10:59 AM

I heard these two Young Republican frat boy types discussing the pressing issues of the day. "So aren't there supposed to be tons of hot chicks in New York." "Yeah, there are, but I haven't seen any. Fucking bitches."

I wonder how comments like these would be received by the evangelical faith-and-family types who are the YPs' ostensible political allies.

Posted by: Guy Incognito | Sep 1, 2004 10:34:10 AM

My previous comment also holds for that performance by the Coors twins--er, I mean Bush twins--last night.

Posted by: Guy Incognito | Sep 1, 2004 11:05:47 AM

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